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January 28th, 2009
07:26 pm
*collapses in a big, morass of gloom and bleugh*
urrrrghhhh.
Commitment breaks me out into a cold sweat. It is probably one of my least useful qualities. I don't mean that I can't commit to things, it's very much the opposite. Once I've said 'yes, I'll do that' I will KILL MYSELF trying to keep my promises. It is why Nanowrimo worked so well for me. I'd Committed entirely to doing it and there was no way I could not do it after that. But of course that whole "I WILL DO THIS OR DIE TRYING" mentality is what makes me so leery of committing to things in the first place. I often wish I could be someone who goes 'Yeah! That sounds fun!" without spending hours going "Oh that sounds good but...what if I can't do that? or I'm not good enough? Or I get tired and want a day off? Or something like a disaster comes up? Or a get a job and- *melts to puddle of fear*" There's a reason I never joined many clubs at Uni and this is it. I wouldn't join Christian Fellowship because "2 Evenings a week! *stress* *panic* *flail* *fall asleep*" , I wouldn't join things because I was afraid that I would not be able to live up to demands (or, not even demands) or unrealistic expectations that I would place on myself.
So that's one of the reasons I'm in a state of panicky, miserable collapse. The other is basically about jobs. I really don't want to become one of those people who is a job-hunting bore and that's all they can think about, and talk about, because it just stressed out everyone around them but the fact of the matter is that it's becoming increasingly worrying. There are no real jobs in the north west for the kind of things I'm good at doing, on the whole. In fact, most of the jobs (what few there are) are in London, the one area of the country (or indeed, the British Isles) that I do not want to work because it's busy and expensive and a long way away from my family and most of my friends and my parish and (at present) I can't drive. It's just so impossible to work out, and today it's really got me because I was at the Dole and there were Actual Jobs that made me think 'hey, I could do this one' but the vast majority were for minimum wage, down south. No one can afford to live off their own bat on minimum wage down South, realistically speaking and for a trainee job like that- you'd be looking at someone living with family. *headdesk*
at this rate I just want something that will make me passably content. Forget happy. Content would be fine.
c'mon St Cajetan gizza break, eh?
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